In this article, Stella Ralfini, alternative life coach, natural health and beauty consultant and award-winning author, shares advice on 5 Ways to Wise Up on Dating Sites.

‘You see profile pic. The guy rocks. You ‘Like’ him. He writes back. So far so good but ahead awaits an ocean of turbulence and possibility. If you’re both looking for a hot night of sex and made it clear, don’t twist into something else. You wanted sex, you got it. End of story.’

  1. If you’re looking for a serious love relationship, don’t post half clothed pics. If you genuinely look younger, lie about your age. Nearly everyone does. Don’t describe yourself in wishy-washy, fashion. What is it about you that stands out? Add delicious details. How you love prawn tempura, the sound of rain on a tin roof, dancing to Bruno Mars, pistachio ice cream. Give your description a catchy title i.e. ‘GENUINE LOVE SEEKER.’ What we want from a relationship can change each month. What do you want in THIS moment? Choose three words, i.e. Love, Honesty, Fun. Embrace those words in one sentence. ‘Would love to find someone on my wavelength to share love, honesty and fun.’
  2. First telltale sign to consider deleting guy’s profile. He is too good looking. His body is taut, his pics are professional, his clothes immaculate. He’s a rich widower, landowner or entrepreneur. Within your first three chats he tells you he wants to make you his princess. Maybe true but unlikely.
  3. In your first three messages, you will be upbeat, share something about yourself and invite other to do same.   If his replies are short, give little info and basically just say he is blown away by your looks, his need for love, how much he is worth and has to offer, get a grip. You might have need for such compliments but these spell SCAMMER. Let’s cut them out. This requires you not to sound needy or become overwhelmed by what can feel like ‘a gift from heaven.’
  4. When he says your immense beauty makes him speechless, do not say thank you. At all times stay on his level. Your answer might be ‘Well, you are a very gallant, good looking man, so touche.’ The only details scammers divulge are to pull you into their net. This is typical of what one might say:

I am an engineer.

A mechanical engineer

My company employs 50 people.

I travel a lot worldwide

I want you in my life

Reply without getting sucked in. Stay ahead by taking chat in different direction.  ‘Your life sounds fascinating. I am pretty successful in my field as a………………, also enjoy travel and love African sunsets.’ Don’t make mistake of saying you want him too.  Spammers only succeed with ‘needy’ women. The ones who had their hearts broken, weren’t given enough love. Women who want a fresh start, need to feel adored and belong to someone who sees her worth.  When our need is too great, we cannot see past lies so must eke them out to save ourselves costly experiments. Were you foolish enough to continue to message six with a scammer, his needs now come through loud and strong. ‘I have £500,000 in the bank but can’t get to it because………………… wondered if you could give me a loan to……I can pay it back in three months by which time we will live together forever more.’

Fortunately, most of you reading this, would not progress to message six.  If you did, it is time to get out. Type: ‘An amazing thing happened to me yesterday. I bumped into the man I had a wonderful relationship with ten years ago and we are now together again.  So sorry I can’t help with your loan.  I have so enjoyed getting to know you but its time to say bye.’

  1. Enough about scammers. Let’s look at the players. Lots of folk use dating sites to find side helpings of sex. Players might say they want commitment to get you into bed but are often great lovers since they pride themselves on strutting their stuff. While you are still waiting for Mr. Genuine, if a player gets you steamed up and you want to tango, play along but remember not to give your heart away.

When a seemingly genuine guy comes along, let’s see how to work and progress it. If he is genuine, he will answer your messages in ways that allow you to know him and not evade.  Should he be in the grips of suffering due to past relationship, allow him to vent his feelings once then move him along. If he refers back to it and you sense the record has stuck, however genuine he seems, move on. You are not rehabilitation centres for wounded weaklings and not on a dating site to stroke feathers.  Find love with someone who has equal love to give back. While you are journeying online, keep looking at ways to define your wants. Become bolder and truer with message interaction. (You can’t lose something meant for you).  Avoid sharing life traumas until after you have gone out together a few times. By the way, men love praise. Pile it on.

Let’s end with the 50/50 type category of men.  Here you could feel genuine confusion, waver between thinking he has special feelings for you and none while you feel he could be the one but don’t know where you stand. 50/50 men are waverers and haven’t made up their minds which side of the fence to stand. It is likely there is something going on in the background which hasn’t come to a head. If he’s not mentioning it in messages, trying to get you into bed or asking for money, roll with it a while. Don’t ask deep questions. Keep message exchange, light, flirty and polite. After a few weeks you will know whether he is wavering towards you because he will open up in the way he writes. If invitation for a date follows, go out. You are off to a good start.

Ideally, we would like a strong spark to exist the moment we begin to chat which leads to a deep, uncomplicated, loving relationship. You might think this is not possible on dating sites. Statistics prove otherwise. There isn’t one fairytale where the princess claims her prince without struggling with monsters. In your case, its only frogs you will kiss and maybe, just maybe, your prince is hidden in the next. Dating sites have immense hidden value to help you work through insecurity and grow in confidence to claim your prince. Keep your eye on the board.

Checkmate.   Game won.


Stella Ralfini…Find her on Facebook, LinkedIn and YouTube.